" just a hint "

---

radio silence for a week. headed home home to gather my thoughts and touch home base. going to see fam and friends, eat a proper yay area burrito, nosh on some ole it's-its, and seek all adventure.

sending out all love and support to those who need it, high-fives and whaddups to those who can dig it, and a call to the arms of creative expression to those who are ready for it.

we spend so much of our time not doing, not speaking, not creating, not living. perhaps in this interlude, i will try my best-of-the-bestest to shatter expectations, and get to the heart of the matter. the gray matter, the solid gold brick matter, the active and in-person matter, the good times rag tag collaboration hugs kisses wave to the fans sign all autographs matter.

every end a beginning, and every beginning a promise to keep and uphold. see you sometime soon.

tonight's homework:

look up at the moon and stars, and realize that you exist in outer space, so no dream is overly fantastical to make come true.

---

 

" asking for nothing in return "

---

sometimes i feel like i'm living parallel to my own life. some version of me is out there, doppleganger'd and known, seen, heard, and revered. these, being attributes i've never really desired, this other self would surely have these in his life.

how many times have i seen the threshold only to remain overly cautious? how many chances did i blow and let pass me by? how many times did i stifle my innate sense of voice and back down? where are my victories, my successes, my rewards and assets?

to know that all that i do not possess exists as a possibility, means that it should be only a simple flip of a switch in my head to turn a fear into a bravery, a silence into a defined shout, a sheepish shoe shuffle into a striding gait.

but life is not so black and white, this or that, or "what if?" we still reside in the shifting beauty of the in between, the shades of gray, the secondary color spectrums, and the place in which decisions may shift throughout the time it takes for the choice you make appears.

i feel like i've revisiting old paths, and reevaluating old passages. i've seen this road before, and the familiarity is both terrifying and entrancing. my heart is full, my intent steadfast, my passions aroused, my will unfettered.

it is a new day. i am here and present, exposed and vulnerable to all matters of this world. i will stop denying myself the world while still offering it to others. i do not need material riches, just the opportunity to touch people's lives. i do not need fame or glory; to be remembered fondly with love that is true by a single person on this planet, grants me an elation that is pure gold and evergreen.

tonight's homework:

believe in your gifts and share them. believe in your good nature and constantly push yourself to be a better human being. believe that you are seen, heard, and revered, and that your life has a deeper meaning than the constraints of your own definition.

---

 

" subconscious surfacing "

---

a mask on a mask on a mask, layered on like coats of paint. i can see myself in front of myself, and the only way information's transmitted is through moments of anxiety and fear.

i can find the strength in those pinpointed moments to break through the two-way mirror, to make my presence and mind known, and to find the words.

outer later, the outwards Self. ever-evolving, every-changing, shifting the visible countenance and metering the level of presentation to the outside world.

sub-layer one, the inner Self. thoughts bubbling, an active deconstruction and interpreter of everyday observations. curiosity and embarrassment residing alongside others in a strange brew of cluttered and constant chatter.

sub-layer two through infinity, the core of each unconscious Self. the whispers in the shadows, the animal, the lizard brain, the reaction, the growl, the base desires, the flash, the electrode unleashed. the primal, the organic, the unprocessed material and matter with which the alchemy can be achieved.

though we are never sure which mask is showing, if you are in tune with the presence of the self, you can knowingly and willingly navigate the more extreme moments over the mundane.

tonight's homework:

sit and meditate in silence for a few to ten minutes, preferably before any internet, television, or mobile phone activities. notice how your mind races and then calms. try to give yourself a chance to rest without distraction, and then gather your centered thoughts, and go about the rest of the night.

---

 

" thirty seconds to wonder "

---

a beguiling twilight awaited me on the rooftop. the long silver expanse of reflective paint shimmered in the light pollution of the city, and puddles dappled throughout.

a rickety stool provided a spectacular makeshift tripod, and knees became the stabilizers.

using all of my experience with this camera, i made some adjustments, depressed the shutter and held it down alongside my breath.

the sounds of airplanes overhead roared into the cold winds. christmas lights flickered to my left, and music played through an open window.

i felt the time hold, expand, and then reach the point where the heart's intuition meets the skilled guess. i let go, and whispered a promise to myself that i would be proud of the result.

tonight's homework:

trust yourself in all matters until you are proven wrong. it is a blessing to be proven wrong if you are wrong. know your Self more and more each day. improve, evolve, endlessly become.

---

 

" i see eternity "

---

sometimes when i really take a moment to reflect on the people in my life, and how i've greatly benefitted from knowing them, it is plainly staggering. the impact of love, affection, knowledge, and joys...and how in embracing them, i continue to add to my evolving and complex interaction with the world around me.

to know you've touched a soul, and that in return all of that emotion is reciprocated. sometimes there's no need to be equals; we thrive in a learning dynamic and seek instruction and guidance from others who would find the time to teach us. and sometimes we are the instructions, divining our truths and wisdoms to those we love.

in these friendships and loved ones, i can see the thread of my time on earth. i can locate where i have had the opportunity to thrive for my current lifespan, and how i connect to others. it is expansive, overwhelming, and altogether amazing. who knew that simple conversations could expand into a lifetime of shared observations and experiences?

we find ourselves thoroughly intertwined by those heartstrings which initially found their footing and bound un together. in this continuous realization, i count my blessings, and find the time to pay it forward in every chance i am able.

tonight's homework:

spend a minute thinking about all the ways you are awesome. cherish those attributes and make a pledge to expand the list.

---

 

" inhabiting a time and space "

---

though you are supremely unique in your construction and in your implementations, you are not the first. and this is a blessing. we have benefitted so greatly by our fore-bearers, and it is in this time where we may find our footing. to know that the path has been prepared allows us the opportunity for innovation.

better yet, have a knowledge, a true history to fuel your interests and actions. feel the presence of those who came before us to aide in our own sense of forward momentum. there is nothing like discovering something about your own life which is blossomed and expanded by the discovery that you are not the first.

while believing we are the masters of all things present, there are echoes which resound in our everyday. those residual ephemera we feel are so permanent are so fleeting. the blips and flickers seem designed to distract and titillate, but we should know better than to merely follow the patterned lights.

tonight's homework:

know a love, share a love.

---

 

" facing the sun "

---

it takes photons an average of eight minutes and twenty seconds to reach the earth from the sun. they travel the speed of light across the vast black vacuum of space once emitted, and in all that time, our planet has welcomed its warmth, its beams and rays, its sense of nostalgia.

this is one of the beautiful impermanent achingly melancholic attributes about existence. we are here, we are seen, we are felt, we are devoid of time, we are released by time.

all the light that touches our world was created within the sun's core tens of thousands of years ago. so much has happened. so much has not yet happened. and yet we are marked by time and it's embrace.

when we have the opportunity to see one another in this daylight, though it is not a strange or uncommon experience, it is one of a singular moment. we are spanning time, together, and the moment passes, the beam is absorbed and it becomes us.

tonight's homework:

for just a few minutes, for just one moment perhaps, take some time to stand in the path of the sun today. face this curious sphere eyes closed, and dedicate the time to the impermanence of it. let it become you, heal you, fuel you, then disperse all about your molecules.

---

 

" natural selection "

---

simple conversation in the key of catching up. fine alchemy turning cold proteins into deliciousness. roasted sweet potatoes, caramelized parsnips, spinach, delectable and something which turns a cold night into a warm memory.

finding that we are strong, that we have made it despite wars, disease, plague, violence, and climates shifting. we have for a moment conquered time itself, and reside in the eternal. we are the golden victors, the gods amongst other creatures, and the held breath.

time passes on in the slowest of increments, almost down to a rate of growth. the daylight tucks into the earth on the other side of the planet, and the meal turns into a dessert.

walking home the long way, i realize that i cannot feel my legs due to the dipping temperatures. but i walk on, heated by the connections reaffirmed, and the pace which is brisk and unstoppable.

tonight's homework:

indulge yourself. dip in, spread out, make an attempt at greatness.

---

 

" epic solace "

---

that slice of calm that is happiness, comfort, silliness, laughter, inside jokes, rolling around on the floor, spinning in a circle dizzy, good soups, high fives, impromptu dance party, giggles sort of goodness.

that's what i'm digging' on, yessir.

tonight's homework:

locate a joy in the normal things.

---

 

" thankful and willing "

---

when you see the continued opportunity to pursue the realization of your dreams in each moment of your waking and slumberful hours, you must stop to acknowledge the fact that in those hours of self-doubt and hesitation, there are so many loved ones beyond the reach of your arms and out of the field of seeable vision who through their support, has extended to you such a love with such a strength, it makes each and everyday worthwhile and glorious in its endless possibilities.

tonight's homework:

sweet dreams.

---

 

" lovely variation "

---

such peculiar distribution of such interesting played pieces. i stood on the corner in the rain for just shy of ten minutes. the rain went in and out of steady and drizzle. some people on the streets rushed, some walked slowly with their kids, some just stood and looked at me looking at them.

across the street, i could see the most beautiful, repeated elegant billow of vapors emanating from the side of a building, probably a dry cleaners or some such. every time the light turned green, vehicles would slowly approach the steam, and their entirety would sink into the fluffy white, only their taillights aglow remained visible.

it was as if i were alone in seeing this beauty; a private display of a mystical convergence, for my eyes only. i could only think of how touching and lovely the scene as a whole was and whispered aloud for no one to hear,"i love what you've done there."

tonight's homework:

keep them peepers open. there is so much happening out there, and it would be a shame to walk into a pole while texting someone.

---

 

" everyday opportunity "

---

you have a skill, teach it.

you have some knowledge, spread it.

you have food, feed someone.

you have a love, use it for good.

you are strong, protect those who need help.

you are weak but willing, ask for help.

you have each moment in your day which connects to the one before and the one after, and in each of those, you see how you connect to everyone and everything in the world.

it's time to recommit your participation, and not only want something from the world, but return what you already have.

tonight's homework:

volunteer your time to do something good. taking care of other people is taking care of yourself.

---

 

" on the end of day "

---

such a  beauty of a day. no stress or woes of note, as the shadows lean longingly against the walls. 

just calm, blissful solace, and the soft sounds of winter outside the windows.

what can one do but take a moment to appreciate it all, then slide down and take another cat nap.

tonight's homework:

keep it simple.

---

 

" letting free your worry "

---

so many good people are surrounding me, as we float about three-dimensional space like galactic minerals. dancing, laughing, swaying, in and out of climes, flexing, regenerating, resting.

i am constantly finding myself releasing a tension throughout my body. i catch myself making a sort of strain in my entirety which stems from making sure that everyone made it here from there, that everyone had some food, some drink, so chairs, some time to play along. and i forget to also be one of those people who let's loose the taut demeanor.

to be free amongst your peers, so shine like a golden gleam in the shadows, to indulge and pass through and about so many beautiful lives, this is the waking dream.

tonight's homework:

a few measures of bulleit bourbon to warm the soul, a slice of chocolate cake to ease the pain, and a lingering hug with friends to let them know you're not ready to see them off at the end of the night.

---

 

" just everything at all times "

---

it wells up in your heart ready to burst through with all of the stored energy. the feeling of love permeating throughout all the muscles, relaxing and clutching, pumping and flexing. the fission and the chain reactions of existence.

wanting to reach out, wanting to hold back, anting to sing out loud, wanting to slink back against the frames and slowly shy away from all light sources. if they don't see my face as i shut my eyes tightly, i won't exist.

wanting to create something with all fervor, wanting to sit and do nothing, wanting to lean over the railings and spitting into the ocean, smiling and gleaning. the feeling of hot and cold meeting, the pistons firing, the foghorn bleating into the night air. if they see my actions and good nature, i will be aglow like a lamp with all manner of creatures attracted to my illumination.

it finds you out even though the covers are tucked in on the sides. the feeling of comfort and solace floating through and out of your soul, the deep sleep creeping along your skeleton, a longing for slumber. the sweet sweet release of the day, and knowing you made a difference.

tonight's homework:

let a minimum of five people you know exactly how much they mean to you. it never hurts to share good feelings.

---

 

" nostalgia as memory "

---

what a violation of the present feeling memory continues to be, casting it's long shadows over the moments i know to be freshly made like tracks in soft snow-fallen streets. such a strike against observation, and being present, and the facts in front of our faces.

i feel a longing, a pining, the pull from an imploding star. these are the memories atilt in my mind; those lovely padded, slightly altered and protected wistful thoughts which color and shift a knowing seen truth.

what is a better reality? the one which is hardfast and black and white, or the blissfull, reminiscent, sentimental past?

so many thought, so many feelings, all valid and all felt at the same time. between two worlds is where i reside, and sometimes truth devoid of an honest moment of clarity, is not the most pleasant of atmospheres to inhabit.

i long for the fantasy of memory, and the world of dreams to tuck me in on cold nights.

tonight's homework:

know a truth, and know a dream, then choose for yourself at which point you will lean either way.

---

 

" from up here "

---

it was exactly at this moment that i was born so many years ago. the world looks so different, and the vantage points have changed.

no longer am i fearful of the same things. i am more calm, more sorrowful, more playful, less rested, more excited about everything happening and everything to yet be.

i am a cavern of possibility, and a cup running over with excess. it's about perspective and the glasses through which we choose to see.

despite the heartache, folly, slips, stumbles and mistakes, there are fewer and fewer regrets. from up here, i can begin to see that it can only get better and better from here on out. i cannot wait to meet up.

tonight's homework:

you have a pass for tonight; i will be headed for grilled cheese, tomato soups, and beer'd delights through the cold and snow. see you tomorrow.

---

 

" hot cold "

---

the first nice flurries began to waft gently down from the skies around 4am, just as the radiator began to sputter and hiss. all the flakes swept across eaves, through branches kissing the exposed brambles, and down to the concrete.

my eyes were wide open, body overheated, and mind racing. everything was lovely and amazing in separate parts, but all together created a confusingly, achingly beautiful insomnia.

and i could not tell if i was in love with it all, or wished it to stand facing the corner with both arms out until i said it was okay to drop them.

tonight's homework:

match your sense of tenacity and creativity to your levels of procrastination and laziness. eat something sweet somewhere in the middle, because everyone deserves a treat for merely making an effort.

---

 

" inside and out "

---

the city as animal, and we all scuttling around in the shadows of its steel girders and short-term memory framework. i'm seeing a foothold and a history among the scattered ruins, but i can never quite reach them more than have the grips slip right out from my fingers.

there's something along the lines of the sense of the feeling of hurtling forward. stumbling tumbling bumbling downward and then toppling over oneself which never ends until it does.

we're always in a sense attempting find our equilibrium, and perhaps mostly equalizing for short pockets of time. but what sweet respite from that upside-down turbulence. i long to find truth, love, belief, peace, and sustenance in those brief moments of calm, of clarity.

tonight's homework:

meditate on nothingness for ten minutes, clear your mind of any sort of anchor to anything or anyone, and then when you come back, eat a dish of ice cream with whipped cream and hot fudge, or nuts, or sprinkles, and flip a large bird to anyone who made you feel bad about yourself.

---

 

" above the murmur "

---

sometimes i have to get out of my own way. planning multiple activities, prepping, juggling tasks of my own creation, researching new things about things, socializing, making lists, making time for myself, making time to sleep if at all.

i am reminded by my meditative practice to take everything in stride, pass stressful feelings off as nothing, and treat small issues with careful detail. it takes a massive shift of energy and discipline to make that shift, and at times it can be really really difficult to retrain my reactions.

am i really mad or that affected? is my face flush because of anger, embarrassment, or shame? am i being properly responsible for my feelings, or am i a raw nerve frayed? it shifts day to day, but i think i've lessened those things which tick me off down to just a handful, and even then it never forms a fist.

just got to stand up, face forward, and rise beyond the chatter of niggling nagging relentless self-doubt. too tiresome, no time for it, not important anymore to set that sort of balance. i'd much rather be juggling tasks of my own creation, that sitting in a state of continuous agitation.

it gets overwhelming and can be one of the main reasons the numbers of migraines has ramped up, the amount of body stress has multiplied, and the number of silvery grays has salted up my luxurious pepper.

but it feel great to be alive.

tonight's homework:

build something, physical or mental. make it fun, and feel great at the end of it all.

---