" finding the space in a place "

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two figures in the snow, black on white.

the warmth defiant of the cooler temperatures, defiant of nature itself.

we're riding along the edges and skirting the madcap and the explorer.

the discovery of one another amongst the trees in the forest,

branches clacking together like hollow bones.

tonight's homework:

twenty jumping jacks, twenty push-ups, twenty hugs, twenty kisses.

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" wanderlust geometry "

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what if you're only average? easy-going, grimace-smiles because it's all good, B's & C's sort of outcomes, people laugh at your jokes then carry on elsewhere. you are a palatable sandwich. you are a combination smog check/oil change, you are 2 + x = 24, solve for x. you are pleasant.

gotta stray from the spherical and arc'd nature of your existance. no need to be too safe, because at this stage of the game, the rules are varied and overt complex. it's time, high time some would say, to get off this spinning teacup, and horseback ride through the canyons.

i can't believe out there it's all craggy outcroppings and curious angles from which we cannot see around the sharp bends. what wonder! what majesty! what raucous storms of freedom lightning wrapped up in endless sublimity! 

so no to the median and the mean. no to anxieties of the unnecessary and the overcautious. no to self-doubt, and no to holding back. my heart full up and donkey kong strong. i'll let it all go out from my body, like the shifting murmuration of starlings at dusk.

tonight's homework:

choose an album of yours from years past, set aside the time and rediscover that aural alchemy all over again.

---

 

" i will love you in wondrous ways "

20150313_dorset_VT_01.jpg

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echoes just echoes. ghosts on every corner and how to turn around them. not minding the cracks along the ground, because it shows that even the ground we walked on held the capacity to fracture. i am able to leave it all behind. fresh starts, new beginnings in each step.

my bodyweight holds for the briefest of moments, then it all falls away and my shoes sink into the snowbank. the deft sound is stopped abruptly and i'm standing up to my knees. sometimes i felt like this; standing and unable to speak the words, unable to get anything out.

it's so simple, the easiest of motions to touch a soul. to speak from the heart. to adhere to and augment a plan, to adapt, to flex, to have a belief in one another. the best part is we are here together, and the structure solidifies overnight, ramparts against all odds impenetrable.

just walking in silence with smiles shining in the moonlight. swimming in the ocean and paralleling the shapes of the waves. people-watching on the train, spinning in place until falling on the park grasses. the good times, the memories made, and kept warm by the knowledge that in the end it will most definitely work out. no need to rush or despair.

tonight's homework:

practice makes perfect, so get to it.

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" a framework "

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in between the times where we make a living just to be able to be free to create, you must begin to make lists. things to purchase, things to eat, places to go, countries to travel to, clothing you want to purchase, people you want to see or meet.

it's endless pondering and a constant reorganization of your interests and those things which motivate you to move forward. we are becoming more ourselves each day, and if you can expand on how you are evolving as a person in the world, you can tame the anxiety of being untethered.

the freedom will come when you have the right cache of supplies, fellow adventurous at our side, and the loose plan to interact with all this world has to offer. it's going to be an amazing lifelong journey. remember to bring a writing instrument or a compass. or not!

tonight's homework:

spin the globe, close your eyes, hold out your finger, and let it land on the surface. consider the location and make preparations.

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" and in the darkness bind them "

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just touches of color throughout. flashes and tinges, moments and pauses. everything flickers in slow motion, and we all are laughing down cold streets lined with the most disgusting filth.

smoke a steam seeps from the grates as our feet fly over the sleet-soaked concrete, the edges of my shoes slowly absorbing the wet black and i can feel them encroaching upon my toes.

everything is swirling. the city is a carnival, a close-quartered stable, a ship with no portholes, and the shadowmen hold the keys.

there are so many stops along the train lines; it's best to make sure you're getting off at the right ones at the right time, or else life passes you by in blurs and lamentable stretches where the doors are always ajar, and nothing good in guaranteed to enter through. 

in the near distance, we see a respite from the steam and shadows, from the muck and grime, from the goblins and creatures. and in the form of an island of delights, our brash band of adventurers step off the carousel, and into delectable dreams. tonight, the answer was clear, and our camaraderie held steadfast and true.

tonight's homework:

lift someone's spirits up for no other reason than to lift them up.

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" respiration "

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hot and cold

night and day

breathe in, breath out

above water and below the depths

grouped and single

stationary and in motion

tears, heartache, despair and sparkles, love, hope eternal

i am an atom, a stone in a river, a seedpod in the soil, a pine needle on a branch

i am the breeze and a sunbeam of light

tonight's homework:

if you must judge the book by its cover, at least take the time to read the first chapter.

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" enter by the first day "

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spring equinox rears its head and settles in an awkward crouch on its haunches. there is no proper footing now due to the drift of snow blanketing the city. the soft flakes fluff the concrete and tar and branches and eyelashes. everything goes all silent and swirls flutter about.

the winter elongates its stride and steps in front of springtime like a brash suitor trying to impress a beautiful stranger in public. of course it's gauche, but people fall for it all the time. i have to remember that being an observer to the behind-the-scenes of this reality, doesn't mean to live a life unattached in the background.

and i feel that i'm too young to worry about looking foolish anymore, and too old to give a damn about judgement or shame or worry or any of the other conceived barriers of happiness, joy, personal delight, and forward motions.

with a scarf wrapped up close to my neck and face, the sharp edges of the city go soft and the blaring quality of the echoes dampen. there's such a beauty is all things at the beginning of a snowfall. there's such a beauty to most beginnings.

tonight's homework:

do one thing good for yourself and for the place you live in.

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" with hot ears, fearing nothing "

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the flush of heat which comes to the ears, face, neck, shoulders, then throughout the body, derives from many different inputs. fear, passion, embarrassment, happiness, shame, attraction.

it's always hard to pinpoint, but you can always feel the sensation creeping over the skin, as if the rush of blood throughout the capillaries increases in speed parallel to the feeling.

the ears are burning, the heart is aflutter, the muscles tense up slightly along the bones, and the eyes dilate in anticipation of every and all occasion. it is a poetry of soul, synapses, the physical being, and infinite outside forces.

i love when i do know the origin of that physical expression; the knowledge that a true emotion was felt, and now being emitted overpowers the body at rest. even a single thought can find footing in the real world.

tonight's homework:

whisper real close and slow, and speak the truth, so that the words carry the full weight of their intended meaning.

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" new baby smell "

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for some reason, i'm really picky. i have a set criteria which shifts and expands, but rarely dissipates, and that coupled with a near-constant workload of my own creation, i have found myself single longer than i'd like to admit. have i be as of yet unable to find someone because i'm so busy, or do i create work for myself so chockfull to the point where i make it impossible to seek out or be seen? all answers seem like the right ones, and reality becomes more granular.

i only have seen it as an issue of more importance when my friends point it out as odd or yeesh or uhhhhhhhh, wha? all of which i understand, and share the reading of. yes being single is fine, yes i feel alone and lonely not always at the same time, yes couples especially beautiful couples who make being a couple seem effortless and beautiful to be in the presence of is equal parts lovely and eff-off you wonderful bastards. but, i do have a love to give.

i've always wanted to be a father. ever since i was a teenager, i thought to myself that one day when i met the right person, lived a great life of creativity and adventure, and was ready to settle down, i would have one if not three children.

i guess i have not been that lucky thus far, but it remains something that i wish to be true very much. rereading a post from my birthday around five years ago, and on my older, perhaps more optimistic blog (http://baystar.blogspot.com/2010/01/congratulations-you-are-now-30-years.html), i basically looked down a list i had typed out when i was still 23 years old.

the basic list was a wishlist of things i would like to accomplish before the age of thirty. and right there, nestled near the bottom of the list right below "drive across the united states," is "be a father." so serene and simple. such weight and such joy in the sentiment.

the list has become longer, the sentiments a little more realistic, and the prospect of finding someone, wooing someone, winning someone's affections and love still remain an achievable reality. so many hours spent with a heart full of fear; guess i'm going to take my own advice and let go of the safe wall in the shallows and explore more of those undiscovered deep waters.

tonight's homework:

some parts https://youtu.be/Qs6WFMJGxE8

and some parts https://youtu.be/wqg_h51y4cI

and then a pinch of get off your butt.

---

 

" good dental hygiene "

---

it took six shots to the deepest part of my gums to get the novocaine to the correct spot. in the time it takes normal people to get numb, it took twice as long. perhaps it was like the previous dentist in thailand said that one time i had two teeth pulled, "your bones and teeth are too healthy...so so healthy."

they put this little dab of numbing agent on your gum before they inject you with the longest needle ever. it's like a little strawberry-ish, but more like the idea of a strawberry if you didn't have any experience eating real strawberries, and had to cobble a taste based on the smell alone. it was not the best choice.

so after a half hour my jaw, gums, cheek, and half my tongue were numbed. in the anticipation of the procedure, i inadvertently bit the inner side of my cheek. for the briefest of moments, i could taste blood, but i washed it out with the most miniature of cups of mouthwash. the sting from that shallow blue liquid stung and then refreshed.

the actual drilling and dabbing, spit-suctioning and cementing was a blur. every time as a kid i would see a dentist, that warm glowing light which illuminates the mouth for inspection, would put me right to sleep. i would feel such a weight of warming warmth, and my lids closed gently until i was snoring.

as an adult, this series of events still happens, to the surprise of everyone involved. i did manage to remember dreaming about running fast through an empty city, trying to decipher the precise vibration the rest of reality existed on. i never found the answer, and everything remained a beautiful blur.

when it was over, i still felt the spot on my cheek where i had bit. it is only later now that i feel just how hard the bite was. agitated and raw, with the slightest taste of copper, the edges of the wound still jut out just far enough to skirt the edges of the molar's enamel.

tonight's homework:

brush and floss regularly and with a genuine awareness. getting a cavity filled in your tooth is not the worst pseudo-medical appointment to keep, but it is a good one if you wish to continue using your teeth and the benefits therein for years to come. i suggest actually getting over yourself, your sense of infinite mortality, and really do a bang up job of keeping them chompers clean, robust, free from plaque and getting them checked more than once every three years.

---

 

 

" in this quality of shadow "

---

when there are no limitations on the components of a spoken conversation, it's all in the eyes. it's all in the breath. it's all in the posture and the ways in which we are forced to interpret the poetry of ourselves.

after days on the road, away from all things familiar, i've come to the realization that there is a glory in spoken words, and such beauty in the elongated silences.

sometimes the most life-altering moments are made more memorable by remaining in the pause of conversation. we can allow our imaginations to spread out and flex its muscles.

therein lies all of the words unsaid. between the grain and the lathe-marks, all of the truths of all shapes laid bare. the unfinished wood surface and the pocked metal tools. the dust and the settled shavings. we are of the earth and stone, of the water and of the flesh.

tonight's homework:

ind a quiet spot in your home and sit for five minutes in silence. whether you are versed in meditation techniques or merely sitting and observing, spend these five minutes devoid of all distractions. make a conscious effort to purge stress and the weight of the technological ping. let your mind wander and your spirit expand.

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" bless us our successes "

---

we find ourselves full up with great praise and a sense of accomplishment. this sensation sits heavy in the body, like a stack of dense lovely soul-defining pancakes interleaved by the butter of calm and topped by the maple syrup of sweet victories.

it is very important to acknowledge these achievements, for the love of the craft, for the tenacity of the will, for the Self, for the motivation to be refilled.

in times of great doubt and tenuous inspiration, we should never waver more than a second. what we are doing is important, realistic, beautiful, and achingly valid.

tonight's homework:

miss me while i'm out of town for a few days, mourn the moment's absence, then welcome me home when i return. oh yeah, and find the time to grab a friend and make stuff.

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" the moon in the room "

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i'm not sure if other people feel this way, but almost every time i find myself at the end of a very strange day filled with odd events or curious behavior, i look up into the night sky, and notice it is a full moon.

even if it's not the moon, it's some celestial happening; an eclipse, solar or lunar, a solar flare, some comet passing, or even the planets in the outer orbits crossing paths.

suddenly all things have an explicable reason to them. suddenly all strange events have an origin of unseen forces guiding them through to a path of an unknown destination. and there is a great relief to know that all of these events have explanation to them.

to know that though our bodies may be minuscule in terms of the land around us, the continents, the oceans so vast, the planet itself, and on and on through the infinity of space, means that we are completely at the whims of being altered by such forces about us.

how illuminating and great a realization to know it was not only you, but us all who were affected, together and completely.

tonight's homework:

share a compassion to all who need of it. offer help, food, an ear, a shoulder, a heart or a moment's time. there will be someone always be willing to pick up what you choose to put down out of love and goodness.

---

 

" we know you of old "

---

winter-sown bulbs are bursting up through the deep dank soil, and stretching their way through the compact earth towards certain daylight.

can you feel your powers waning, your grip slipping while your slender fingers strain to maintain its icy clutch?

the moment has arrived, and you've stayed your welcome. we've loved your company as it has reminded us once again of how we are vulnerable, how precious being cozy is, how simple the delights of walking through a lightly-falling drift can be. how eternal the world seems when blanket is a pristine blue-white.

i see your cool visage and your long legs. there are no more tricks, and the paths are urning greener and more lush with each day which passes. please make your reservation for next year, and i'll be glad to greet you again. please feel free to show yourself out.

tonight's homework:

make plans for warmer times ahead, of the elements, the heart, the body, the spirit.

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" one more hour "

---

we are defiant of the darkness, defiant of the light, and through the manipulation of the regulations of time itself, we grow ever-weary of treating the hours like segmented slices of temporal units.

the debate of what really are the modern benefits of daylight savings becomes moot when faced with the more important questions: will an hour more or less make you happier in the long run? what are the long-term effects of shifting back and forth through time? 

does the average citizen create more opportunity for themselves and those around them due to gain or the loss? do we get more done in this "added" hour? do we falter in our daily responsibilities due to the "lost" hour?

in my longview, i find myself only slightly affected; i can see how much the shift makes little difference if you haven't actively sought out expression, a sense of love and its dimensions, or spent the day or night making connections of a true weight, unyielding, and not fleeting in nature.

---

tonight's homework:

don't think of this "lost" hour as a loss of chances. create your own template, craft your own itinerary, and follow your own breadcrumbs to your multiple successes.

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" lie in wait "

---

things need time to develop, to mature. there are base element reactions spanning eras, swirling luxurious molecular flotsams and languid jetsams intermingling, and the adage "patience is a virtue" slowly comes true.

it's too much to expect everyone to slow down in these times. even the words i'm typing out are read on devices of an electronic manner. it's a transmission, an electronic impulse which flickers and phases; the very nature of the comprehension means to access and utilize a combination of machinery and technology based on speediness.

but as corporeal beings, it behooves us to calm our pace at times. the benefits of which we may allow the narrative of our lives to develop. we must allow time itself to adhere to it's own calculations, and be humbled by chronology. 

there's no need for the shortcut, the click ahead, the secret portals to the future, or the engagement of skipping ahead. i desire the slow paths, the deliberate leisure of a glacial progression.

it is in the unfolding of this usually compacted sense of time passing, we are able to witness truths, and appreciate the unabashed raw loveliness that living life is at what used to be called a common pace of life.

i believe in the good wait, the all in good times, and the scenic route lived fully, unhurried and gradual.

tonight's homework:

respect the pauses, savor the in-betweens, feast on the sweet rewards of the interlude.

---

 

" at the end of the week "

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only tonight's homework tonight:

take a load off. after the week you've had, you deserve a little R&R. so plop down on the couch and watch a few movies, or get a wee dram of something aged and peaty, or grind it roll it spark it, or just take a long hot shower and then sleep past REM and into the deepest blackest sleep you are able to. tomorrow and the rest of the weekend is going to be amazing.

---

 

" i get flurries "

---

oh winter, so many inches of accumulation on the ground. many numerous feet piling up over our shoes, over our knees, swallowing us up to our thighs, waists, chests, clavicles, then finally our heads.

we are gone and disappeared out from the world, surrounded by a blanket of soft boneshaft white. the temperature dips and our heart rate slows.

all we have is each other amongst the dampened ambiance.

tonight's homework:

adjust your gait, secure our footing upon the slick surfaces, and remain aware and vigilant. this storm is blowing through, and it's not worrying about the fact that you do not have proper seasonally-appropriate footwear.

---

 

" signal to noise "

---

just a moment of pause, of silence, of being allowed to be outside of it all. passing through, but in a forward momentum, i'm taking the time to regroup...to react.

images flash behind my closed eyes. i can smell the tea brewing and the people chattering away in the distance, the sounds of airplanes overhead, and the high-pitched tone which dips in and out of the foreground, but always seems to peal through the static.

just a few more seconds now, a deep breath, a preparation of movement, and dreams of a future hot beverage or sustained face-to-face embrace. that's it, eyes opening and lips parted. the moment has passed, the moment in now gone.

tonight's homework:

eat a healthy snack, because your body needs a break from the constant barrage of chocolate-covered peanut-butter-filled pretzels...or does it?

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" the unexpected narrative "

---

every story has many facets. perspectives are always colored by experience, tradition, ritual, and cultural background. it doesn't take much to process the entire picture when you ask the right questions.

we have fears, we have faith, we have loves and dreams. you must do the very best you can to share your experiences with those around you; it's not enough to merely feel a part of this world, we have the responsibility to find parallels and seek understanding.

many people will see your normal and your truths as strange, curious, or perhaps deviant. but deviating from what? and how? and on which spectrum.

you never know when your particular outlook on life will shift for the better, so you have to remain open to those shifts. change is hard, it is gradual and it remains one of the more difficult aspects of humanity.

but most change is good, healthful, positive, and enlightening. and that is a good reason to participate more with your fellow people. we have come so far, and the road leads to the horizon and beyond.

tonight's homework:

while doing your taxes is arguably one of the more frustrating tasks around this time of year, it is nonetheless something which needs to be accomplished. get a start on it, and save up some more for the realization of a dream.

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