" purging the rest "

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hot-faced and tongue-tied. all of the words i always meant to say and didn't out of fear, and out of shame for my feelings, but mostly fear. my body burned with a dousing melancholy.

and i don't ever want to go through those moments again. the ones which were horribly awkward on my part for remaining silent instead of saying something, anything, but mostly something at all.

how much i've loved, how much i have been scared in my life, how much i am committed to everything, how much i have to give, how much i trust, and believe, and hope, and have heart heavy with a full-weight. it's a lot to express, and it's a lot to take in.

and now it's now. heartache was heartache, heartbreak was heartbreak, the echoes of which are still present, but how strong the heart; how resilient the heart has become.

i have certainly made mistakes for sure, and have regrets of course. all those missed opportunities, all of those bewildering times spent searching, pining, and never quite locating the space to place the emotions.

but these haunting memories of the past do not have to dictate the course of my life, or the tone of this sonata. it's just the overture, and this time, in this moment, i can find the words.

this time, only out of a fear of that potential for a silence and the potential for that shame, will i never exist there for anyone again. it is difficult to be the one who has to find the courage to break a self-imposed spell. perhaps it always seems so easy because it's always just a possibility instead of an actuality. when you skirt risk, anyone can believe they are brave.

but i am finding that courage for myself. and for the improved quality of future interaction with anyone i may come into close contact with. there are always first steps to bettering the quality of your life.

tonight's homework:

put in the time and effort to continuously advance your happiness, and the gladness of others. not a second wasted, and all the rewards to gain.

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