" above the murmur "


sometimes i have to get out of my own way. planning multiple activities, prepping, juggling tasks of my own creation, researching new things about things, socializing, making lists, making time for myself, making time to sleep if at all.

i am reminded by my meditative practice to take everything in stride, pass stressful feelings off as nothing, and treat small issues with careful detail. it takes a massive shift of energy and discipline to make that shift, and at times it can be really really difficult to retrain my reactions.

am i really mad or that affected? is my face flush because of anger, embarrassment, or shame? am i being properly responsible for my feelings, or am i a raw nerve frayed? it shifts day to day, but i think i've lessened those things which tick me off down to just a handful, and even then it never forms a fist.

just got to stand up, face forward, and rise beyond the chatter of niggling nagging relentless self-doubt. too tiresome, no time for it, not important anymore to set that sort of balance. i'd much rather be juggling tasks of my own creation, that sitting in a state of continuous agitation.

it gets overwhelming and can be one of the main reasons the numbers of migraines has ramped up, the amount of body stress has multiplied, and the number of silvery grays has salted up my luxurious pepper.

but it feel great to be alive.

tonight's homework:

build something, physical or mental. make it fun, and feel great at the end of it all.