" new baby smell "

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for some reason, i'm really picky. i have a set criteria which shifts and expands, but rarely dissipates, and that coupled with a near-constant workload of my own creation, i have found myself single longer than i'd like to admit. have i be as of yet unable to find someone because i'm so busy, or do i create work for myself so chockfull to the point where i make it impossible to seek out or be seen? all answers seem like the right ones, and reality becomes more granular.

i only have seen it as an issue of more importance when my friends point it out as odd or yeesh or uhhhhhhhh, wha? all of which i understand, and share the reading of. yes being single is fine, yes i feel alone and lonely not always at the same time, yes couples especially beautiful couples who make being a couple seem effortless and beautiful to be in the presence of is equal parts lovely and eff-off you wonderful bastards. but, i do have a love to give.

i've always wanted to be a father. ever since i was a teenager, i thought to myself that one day when i met the right person, lived a great life of creativity and adventure, and was ready to settle down, i would have one if not three children.

i guess i have not been that lucky thus far, but it remains something that i wish to be true very much. rereading a post from my birthday around five years ago, and on my older, perhaps more optimistic blog (http://baystar.blogspot.com/2010/01/congratulations-you-are-now-30-years.html), i basically looked down a list i had typed out when i was still 23 years old.

the basic list was a wishlist of things i would like to accomplish before the age of thirty. and right there, nestled near the bottom of the list right below "drive across the united states," is "be a father." so serene and simple. such weight and such joy in the sentiment.

the list has become longer, the sentiments a little more realistic, and the prospect of finding someone, wooing someone, winning someone's affections and love still remain an achievable reality. so many hours spent with a heart full of fear; guess i'm going to take my own advice and let go of the safe wall in the shallows and explore more of those undiscovered deep waters.

tonight's homework:

some parts https://youtu.be/Qs6WFMJGxE8

and some parts https://youtu.be/wqg_h51y4cI

and then a pinch of get off your butt.

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